im always doing it.
picking at my skin thinking how easy it would be to get it off.
i did everything i said i would....except the part that actually mattered.
you know that line......."i hate myself and i want to die"?
that is not me

things arent all bad...the way my words bleed only pump from a broken heart [ that i gave to myself].
this week for sure has been strange and rough and a little overbaring. ive got open spaces to prove it.
popping too much mdma. and now that ive eaten it all....its no wonder i feel a little tore up. well a little more then i should.
i jedi flipped for the first time with gogo [who ive never hung out with on my own]. i didnt freak out at all. in fact i was on cloud 10 just breathing the universe. 3 hits of acid half/eigth of shrooms[i couldnt stomach the whole eighth hahah] a pink bunny a purple naked lady , 2 prints of molly , rum shots spaced throughout. ive never taken so many drugs at once...but in them i found enlightenment. ultimate peace. and in them i saw all the wrong in me. it didnt make me sad. it made me want to save myself. not from the drugs , but from humanity , myself , and the monster. i held a sickle blade and rolled it all over my skin and let it swing from finger to finger the whole time thinking outloud , how i would love to take so many ....line the pupil of their eye to the tip of this blade and run their ugly head thru. swirl their brains like an egyptian , and pray to godzilla that theyd live long enough to satisfy my thirst of seeing misery and suffering withing a wretched human. so repulsed by the simplicity of my species. im not so different. but the guts in my skull got raped so hard , that ill never claim to be part of something as mundane as the human race. the way i felt that day was only perfect. and the clarity of life was beautiful. the secrets i knew , i rephrased until i found the sense in them that i shouldve years ago. alltogether the 2nd best high in my life. WE watched this dvd set called the animation show , and the insanity pouring out of the screen was enough to explode my body , i waited for it , but i stayed in my skin. the two of us wrote a poem together and drew pictures of each other as mutilated corpses. and i swore that after feeling this , i could possibly die satisfied.

i last minute decided to go to the cannibal corpse show with mr.royer , and it was bitchinnnnn! i was pretty pissed to know that hatebreed was headlining. i think hatebreed sucks the fattest cock in the world , and for them to even be on a bill with dope bands , AND CANNIBAL CORPSE and get to headline shoooooot me. but ive seen cc headline 3 other shows , so i can live withit. i sat in the parking lot and chugged a cup full of rum , because 4 dollhair shots isnt what i do. needless to say i was really drunk , and i love being really drunk. so of course it didnt hurt when i beat my way thru people and made it front center haha. i dont know how i did it. small but lethal. me and dan dominated the suckbreed pit. i love having the title of being the only girl in. [i miss my dead girl.....always smashing faces and flashing titties with me]. dan picked me up in the circle pit and threw me at people and i punched so many faces and kicked so many asses. i thought about how i hate loving him......and how all my cds just got jacked out of my car...[someone burn me some awsome cds puhlease]..A BRUTAL NIGHT...SORE MORNING.

i got some violin offers...to play with people. i think i will. i need to vent in a clean manner...clean high.
anyone wanna play??????

and he came to me. sortofkindof. to where i was. he walked up the steps with his friends and came towards me scanning the house hed never been to...i put my arms around him and he pulled out of me [rippppppppp] , said ill be back i need beer. i knew he wouldnt , and he didnt. i told him to come home with us and he ignored it.shunned.scorned. and in my head , hearing what my thoughts had to say , all i could feel was bow down before the one you love. used up washed out whore. pathetic. he HATES you. and it never fails...when its on your time and at your conveinience .......rather it be midnight , or in this case 400 am....you always call when you need me for satisfaction, and i always answer. but this time i let your song play.....and watched "uglyontheinside" flash my screen. one last time and ill leave.



theres too much. find us

my life is twisted up ugly.
i wish i had justifiable reasons to back up all the stupid snarl girl things i do. that ive done.
all i can do right now is stand way back and look out across the sea of mess ive made. through swollen salty eyes i see blood stains- smeared vomit-the burning carcass of my heart. im losing the battle. but im the only one fighting... and once upon a time it wouldve been strange to say she and me makes we. but i am the devil. my pathetic attempts of faking human disgust me. leave me wrecthing on the floor. what is love to you? and why do i hate it?
this monster, he looked at me twice. and touched me when no one was looking. then he left me alone with myself. im not like them...and just because they call me dead doesnt mean i cannot feel. a little desensitized. so there i was with myself. hurt. only asking myself why am i not good enough. why wont you love me. why wont you kill me. cant you kill me?
and the pain came quick and i held it so close. lashed out and onto it. embracing every second of the feeling that wasnt you. i watched the stain spreading. and i smiled because you werent in my head. there was only she and me....and we wiped our tears.
the endless and obvious epiphany hits. and i sink into myself and absorb black.
ill let you hurt me one last time. im addicted to the pain. your pain. one last time , and im leaving forever. and im all gashed up inside because i know that even when i say it..."goodbye"...it will mean nothing. MY NAME IS NOTHING. to you i am nothing , i am never was. and thats what monsters love.
im not afraid of whats to come. and i know iknow iknow.....it will leave she and me in death rocking agony... but its another feeling that isnt you. one ive almost came to love.
and im waiting for the day , a seam ripps in your monster heart when youre ugly eyes see what youve done.
ive always been incomplete..

just like heaven.
i shouldnt even think it.
the drugs , for sure , still have me feeling twiterpated and strung out on a high only his skin can give to me. he is my heroin in human form.

i walked up to him and just stared as deep into him as i could , looking for the hunger-the drive-the feriocity. it was all there. its always there. without putting one thought towards it , i just pulled his face towards mine , opened his lips with mine , and licked all the way down the back of his throat. i curled into his body and pressed against as much as humanly possible. when hes inside of me....i feel like a puzzle completed.
i am not in love , i am an addict. a slave. his slave. for as long as he'll keep me. forever i could be kept.

i am his jenn on demand....his orgasm war machine....whatever he wants , whatever he asks... then for the moment ill become it.

he is a whore. not my whore. he is my temporary fix of black void. my heartbeat for the moment. and he never shouldve been. i never should have let him tapp my heart. but it was only an accident. a mistake.

while he held me last night , it felt more like home than home has in years. i felt a sense of tranquility. and thats where i slipped up again and dropped the fortress and for a split second i felt the fire in my veins. like i had before so long ago.
you held my face so tight to yours as we spit filth into each others ears. bodies shaking. and i wished the hardest that we would melt into each other.
and i wish the hardest that i could hate your guts.
the hardest that i could quit you.
the hardest that i could go numb like you.
but im just a girl....or something close to it.

im not sad , or hurt much.
i know what he is.
the same as what i am.
a WHORE.
the free-est of loves.

but withdrawals.....

theres alot more pictures on my myspace haha[myspace.com/zombie_bambi]

sometimes i want to tell him that im in love with him. but im not an idiot. anymore.
we are different , but the same. we're too free love , and even though i want to stand by him ... i could never be his alone[it matters not].

its funny, i watched you with her. i was pretty jealous at first, until i watched only her. typical beer chugging normality of a thing. and still you came to me. hands on my hips deep stare and biting on your lips. i watched her watching you touch me while i put my mouth to your ear and whispered how gross you are , and that id be up all night. it only took an hour before my phone got blown to peices , and like the girl i am ...i fucking melted and ran to you as soon as the drugs would let me.
its funny how i shot a glare at her as we ran away together.

my body is sore.
the zombie bambii show at dans [with alot more bands] kicked my ass!!!
9 hits , 2 prints , 1 roll , and a barrel of liquor, rough pit , rough crowd , brutality of blood wrestling boys , and the heavy hot sex that burried me into the mud. i havnt really slept but 4 hours out of the 3 days ive been awake due to the excessive uppers. but im alright my vacations over

things are just too sweet or too sour.

it made me sick for a minute or two , being in his bed and thinking to myself  'we cant even pretend to be friends , we didnt even try'.  when i woke up and saw that YEH i really did drink that much  , and NO i dont remember much at all other than that he fucked me like a slave girl - said a few rude things - and passed out. i remeber wishing that i hadnt been so drunk , i wouldve slapped his face spat in his eyes and ran out the door. i wouldve said sorry later. but he made me feel so disgusted with myself. it was a fair trade at first , you do me while i do you. but then he got mean. it couldve been liquor talk. i just want to be left alone.

i cant even pretend that i am my own friend.
sobriety
hates
my
guts.




.

if and when i find a break in the iron sheet that hides the thing inside of him that i want the most ... i think the whole world will feel a shit ripping terror spread thruout their guts.
bring on the blood-letting

i have a month of solitude. chosen solitude.
i cant get my mind away from the corner that isnt mine. and my heart dosnt want to listen to me when i tell it 'hes no good just drop it'.
everything inside of me is split down the middle spears in hand [yeh we're tribal]. nothing can compromise. ive never felt so fucking out of it.
so this month , i wont be alive.
rebirth sounds like the wettest dream.
and if im not ready ill stay dead for as many months as it takes to beat the demon out.

my lawyer is estimated at 1500$
my alcohol assesment was 110$
the classes that i probablly have to take are 625$ [i still cant drive]
this was all a horrible set back in my life , yes another hideous set back. but...
the hospital called me and said i owe them 978 $ from my overdose visit. the one that i got a bill for only 250. the visit where the only thing that was done for me or to me , was i got poked in the eye until i cried. FUCK. i just dont know what to do anymore. they didnt do a damn thing but lecture me , and not fix the eye that i blinded.
so im in trouble i guess. i really dont feel like doing this life bussiness anymore. everytime i see light from the dark i get sucked farther back down the hole. whats the use in fighting.
i feel so defeated.
i shook and cried uncontrollably on my bathroom floor begging the thin air to hold me until i stopped. i finally did , and crawled into bed choking and gasping.
i fucked my life up soooo bad since 2009 began. before 2009 even.
if im not making a complete ass out of myself then im locked up or in a drug induced sickness.
whywhywhy.
the boy i want wont have me. i lost my life. my grandma. my license.my perfect vision. and my tiny body. i am absolutley sick with myself.
my diet is working and all. and i can get out of my legal situation. but i mean jesus cant i get a fucking break.
i havnt seen a friend in ages. not one in particular. just not a single one.
i guess i brought it all on myself.
im just tired.
i feel like throwing in the towel. giving up on war.
just completion.

i told her "you dont fuck him , hes fucking me , and im fucking you."

          i shouldnt have done a single thing , because in the very corner of my mind i knew it would hurt. i didnt know when it would hurt , just that OH GOD it would. and now it does.
         and its funny that even though i dream of you , all i think i want is for you to strike me as hard as you could let yourself ... slam me up and down every wall and break every other bone in my body  just screaming into my bloody face that you hate me . HATE ME. how much you fucking hate me. i think it would feel so god damn good just to hear it and feel it and to know it.
          hmmmm he wasnt like every other toy. an object to amuse me when im bored. different from the things  i knew  i could have, keep , and destroy. he is different .
     ENOUGH.
       i have my first court date thursday , and then an alcohol assesment class.
i really want my license back. i need new hair , and new news. i miss socializing , but not as much as youd think.
     i want to join planet fitness again , becasue no one will join the y with me. wich is understandable...its kind of pricey. but on the plus ... im still on the losing side of the scale , leaving me moderatley small. but whenever i feel scorned like i do now , i find it critical to become poket sized. lately its just riding a bike to and from work , and walking around my hood. trying not to eat after i drink , and trying not to drink at all (right).
    someone at a gas station told me i was thick , and i swear i threw up in my mouth. it made me want a gun. im going to do this for me , go back to the lovely 110. i mean 10 lbs is not very hard to lose. not for me , because im usually wrong about it. i dont want to be. but when i am oh so small again , im sure ill see you , and im going to hit you in the face and possibly spit on you too. and just let you feel a fraction of how you make me feel.
    other than feeling like a cow , i am happy.
my gran passed away and the funeral was beautiful ........although the 'god this god that' lectureing bullshit twisted my stomach into a knot and had me wanting to rip my clothes off and runn thru the church aisles screaming "let jesus fuck you" at the top of my lungs. i hate god.
im going to miss my granny. i really loved her. really truley.
     no one is here with me , and for now that is good. i decided not to leave my house until im itty bitty again , and ready to find you and beat your wheels off hahhahaa.
    love dont live here anymore , and thats a fact.

i let my mother belittle and degrade me for 15 fucking minutes.
"why havnt i heard or seen of ------- in so long" she asks.
then its somehow apparent........
"he mustve dropped you because of heroin , and then youre dwi , what a bad influence , he mustve seen that youre no good , and cared so much as to let you go.

when you laid your head in my lap , thats the day i KNEW i loved you... the day i lied about it.
and then out of nowhere like a fucking nuclear blast , you abandoned me. the million peices of me that could have so easily been swept up by you , you left. turning into two million peices that you then just kicked under the carpet. pretending i was never whole ... that my heart never beat..blood never flowed , and that i didnt wake up morning after morning with images of your face still fresh in my mind.
i fucking loved you.
was it not my hands that covered your eyes when you were too afraid to face the world.
was it not?

so i lied to her and said "yeh , i mustve really messed things up".
i could never betray you... the way you did me.
ever.

it happened in my dreams , which makes it a reality.
i ve never killed , but ive been blood thirsty. and in being marked , it only means that i will do anything in my power to hurt you as best i can. physically emotionally. its so rare that i ever get these urges. and this is the kind of deal that cant be shook off. it just has to end my way.
damn.
i never wanted this. silly dreams.

im getting more comfortable in my solitary confinement. i get offers to get picked up and lately ive refused them. i work too much , and i just know for sure that ill get in trouble if i go out in someone elses hands.

my diet is starting to play in. i finally got serious.
i lost two pounds since a week ago. wich for me isnt alot , but im not throwing up or starving myself this time. im just eating little raw things...and i riding my bike ...and dancing ...and HOOLA HOOPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in my eyes i have 10-15 more lbs to go. i really want to be under 107 , but its not likely since im no longer on drugs of that nature.
but ill settle with 110. wish me luck.

there are too many puppies in my kennel.

one of the silver fox doctors at work showed me a necropsy done on a cat. and it made me think of build a bear. he took an exacto blade and cut it fro the neck to the crotch ......like fucking butter i swear......and instead of the stuffing going 'poof" out of it , just guts .......no gore. it was so dehydated there was no moisture .. no blood..i half expected its intestines to squeak when his glove ran over them. it was gnarly.

i cant wait to get my license back.

so ... my sisters taking me out tonight.
said shes going to get me soooooooooo drunk and show me how the country folk throw down. ahhaha. yeh. 630am sounds like a good time to go to work tommorow.haha. but i mean , i had a stroke went blind in an eye and slept for an hour and made it to work at 630 am. i hate to bring it up but im in a foul mood.
i miss the world.
i just miss too much.
im not healthy anymore.
and i cant stop thinking about his eyes.
GOD  his fucking eyes , they burn holes in me , holes that go right thru me. holes that chip at the ice around my heart and remind me that maybe i am not a wolf , but a human girl after all. i dont like that feeling at all. i liked being numb , i loved it.
its ok for now , because this reminds me of the hunt. hah, no it really does. someone who blatantly dosnt give a fuck about your exsistance..........you hunt them down and break them. ripp their heart to fucking shreds. i know how to do it. but do i want to do it again???
i dont know why i love the feeling of destruction within another humans body. but there is nothing like it to me , well i can think of one thing .......but ill let it sliiiiiiiiiide.
i misssss wifey still.
and long lost girlfriend.
and resrie.
i miss my old beastie.
but he wouldnt care.



i had an old  snack call me , im suprised he saved my number. what a deadly thought.

this tiger should be tamed.
i dare you to.

my lawyer is the sweetest man ever.
i know its his job but he just seemed very eager to help me. his handshake was very firm. like a well respected man should shake a hand.
he told me hes going to get me out of this mess im in , and as soon as that escaped his lips a big fucking cross was lifted from my back , or so it felt.
my head feels very cluttered. my sentences are broken. and ive developed a stutter. im sure this will pass , i just partied a little too hard there for quite some time.
i look forward to joining the siskey Y ,and reclaiming my old skeletal body. i do enjoy the extra attention ive been getting from putting on a little weight , but its not enough to kill my insecurities , so its got to go.
after i get my court case cleared i do believe im getting a breast aug. yayyyyyy finally.
saving the money wont be hard now that i dont buy excessive amounts of drugs and alcohol.
as thinspiration i printed his picture out and folded it to look me in the eye. his face in a scowl , that almost says i hate you ......i look at it too much , and i let myself down for actually wanting you more than a few times.
youll see though. youll see.
i need my wifey.

but decided the cut is all wrong.
im toatally a fatty , so im joining the Y. Wich is perfect because i can go there right after work considering its on my bike ride home. they have fun classes and a sauna , so i guess i wont have to come home and rott and feel sorry for myself anymore.
i havnt pooped since i came home from jail. like a whiiiiiiiiiiiile ago. i think it was the sandwich they gave me. id rather not get into any of that.
i meet up with my lawyer on thursday....and i WILL have time to take a tripp with some girlfriends after that.
SOMEONE SHOULD JOIN THE Y AND GO WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
i feel my heart trying to pop out and wander back home to its boy. my boy. the boy im going to marry.
time will perfect me and heal what ive done.
i unfortunatley love twilight....ughhhhhhh.
someone anyone come to my house and vs me in godzilla.

ive destroyed myself.
its time to grow up and im sad ,scared , etc.
im throwing out me with alot of you to

heres to THE dopest tattoo.
my gift of a girlfriend.
what little any of you know about me.....
im going to stick to my "real" journal".
if you want to know what im doing then fucking come find me.
i was abandoned , scorned , and maybe death is all that will save some of us.



RIP: MURMAIDER

it feels way too much like the no doubt song ........ummm dont speak.

im sad because ive been forgotten. but when all is done and over , i will be to.

ive been keeping my head up and i dont know how. ive been full of this bitter acidic hate. it leaves a horrid taste in the back of my throat and latley ive been hallucinating or daydreaming of slaughtering people. ive been on edge , and mean , and violent. i thought about awful things and laughed  and had to stop myself because its not really me. i dont know what it is.
ive been working so hard to get this weight off , and im half tempted to say fuck it and blow my money on drugs and go back to starving. ive lost two pounds in the last week wich is healthy , but i never had patience.

i miss my girlfriend , shes so strong and so beautiful , and with out her i dont think id know real love even if it got lodged into my snatch and set on fire.
i miss when days were sweet and long and fun , and nobody cared about anything but love .......and now i walk on eggshells to keep peace amongst my friends and it just seems too difficult.
if i had hair it would be ripped out and patchy , im just so sick of feeling sick.

i want my picture taking , naked and horrid and in a cess pool.
i want my dead girls hand
i want iwant iwant

to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

im kidding im happy , just a little creeped out of my mind.

the sun is nice , and im changing for you.

ive been abandoned , yet adopted.

fuck you i hope you have fun dieing , i know i didnt

and now im not the only one.

i have a demon for sale.
i have to cut it out first. then put it in a ziplock sandwich bag. if no one wants it (its free) , then its going up on ebay
bahahahha.

i am alone at last!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!